


When the Cities Silent the Ringing in My Ears Gets Violent

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, But it'll get happy, Cuddles, Depression, Fluff, Just get past the first chapter, M/M, OT5 Friendship, Self-Harm, Suicide, panick attacks, really sad, triggering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-13 21:43:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5718175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was always worried about this day coming. The day when hurting himself wasn't enough. The day when it didn't muffle anything anymore. How long could good things last anyways. This day was far overdue. It was his breaking point.</p><p>Or the one where Louis has been depressed since he's been fourteen and no one notices till he attempts to kill himself.</p><p>DO NOT READ IF EASILY TRIGGERED THE SELF HARM IS GRAPHIC.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay guys... once again like ever fic I've been posting it's immensely personal and been on my computer forever. I really hope you like it but if your easily triggered please don't read, I really don't wish this kind of feeling on my worse enemy.

The first time Louis Tomlinson cuts himself is when he's fourteen years old and the screaming down stairs just get's to too much. It's so loud. He just wants it to stop. He just wants to hear some laughter for once. The worst feeling is the fact that he can't shake the feeling that this is somehow his fault. The logic side of his mind is muffled to almost nothing. And all he can do is just think about how this is his fault, who's else's fault would it be?

He just needs to let out the pain the anger. He needs to muffle all of this somehow. He doesn't know why but suddenly remembers a girl Teddy who used to cut her wrists. Someone found out and it was spread all around the school, and people called her awful names like wrist cutter and attention whore until her parents were forced to take her out. Before she's taken out Louis remembers watching her get cornered by some girls asking why? He remembers her murmur in a soft voice that it just makes her numb, it muffles it.

He didn't understand then but he understands now. He just needs something to muffle it .The pain the guilt. He's grabbing his razor he uses to shave and banging it on the counter to just get the blade. His sister Lottie creeps into the bathroom.

"Lou?" she murmurs, "What are you-"

"Get out," he says pushing her out and slamming the door behind her, locking it. He waits till he hears her footsteps go back down the hall before he starts to slam the razor again harder. IT becomes loose and with a huff he grabs a pair of tweezers and pulls it out, getting just the blade.

Was he really going to become this? A wrist cutter?

He shakes his head. No. He wouldn't cut his wrist, that was too risky for people to see. His hips maybe. And the inside of his thighs. So people wouldn't see it when he changed in the locker room, and when he went swimming. He'd just wear longer trunks.

The first time he runs it across his arm it stings. He doesn't put enough pressure to cut skin. The second time he pits more pressure and it slides easily. He hisses in pain for a moment…and it's fucking painful, but there's something else there. The pain he was feeling was finally actual pain, he could see the pain, it was a sense of control he's never felt before.

He knew from the forth slice and his final slice for the day that this wouldn't be the last night. His parents would fight again. He'd feel like it'd be his fault again. He'd run it across his skin again. He promises to not do it on the wrists, and not to do it too deep, and to not let anyone find out ever.

Six years, a divorce, and him moving to Uni later he's only broken one of his promises that he made when he was a young teenager. It wasn't his fault, he just ran out of room. It was too risky to keep running over the same cuts, that might cut too deep. It was either breaking one rule or another, and he determines breaking the wrist rule would be fine. He'd just by bracelets and more long sleeves. And it ends up moving to his wrist wasn't so bad. It was a new sense of control. It for some reason felt so much better than his legs, and only a few months after moving to his wrists he was mostly cutting his wrists now.

He was moved in with Zayn, his best friend, now. And it was actually easier to hide the self harm from him than when he was living at home. Zayn was convinced Louis just got cold way too easy. They never did anything having to do with water together either because Zayn was afraid of water. He never got suspicious or anything really, because he was under the impression Louis told him everything. Which wasn't exactly wrong, Zayn was one of the few people who knows about Louis's virginity issue, but he thinks it's just because Louis is waiting for the right person rather than the fact that he doesn’t want anyone to see his scars and cuts.

Everything should be nice for Louis (everyone else is under the impression that Louis feels that way anyways). But even when he as everything he's wanted and strived for the sense of impending sadness hasn't gone away. Nor the fact that he still panics over the small things. Nor the fact that he's still paranoid people will see his cuts, event though he's hid it and hid it well for six years now. He wasn't depressed or he didn't have anxiety or anything. He was fine, except he really knew he wasn't.

The beginning of the end for Louis really was when Zayn drags him to the first party since being back from Uni. It was thrown by Niall, their neighbor and one of their closest friends. He was excited to see his friends Liam and Niall and Harry…especially Harry. But he also wasn't exactly excited the first time in three months it would be at a party. He's never been much of a partier (much to other people's thoughts). He would have much rathered the five of them would have just had their usual hangouts, that involved pizza, and football… 

He didn't have anything against Parties really-well actually he did. He had a lot against parties. He's never exactly liked the taste of alcohol but always ends up getting wasted because he has no idea how to say no to a drink. And for some reason when he gets drunk it's always harder to hide his sadness, and he always feels ten times sadder. IT's also risky to cut with alcohol, because you bleed faster. Theirs always also the impending pressure to just hook up with someone, which can't happen under any sort of circumstance whatsoever.

Zayn and Louis get there before anyone else besides Harry and Liam (because Liam lives there). Louis has an inkling that Niall invited them early to see them all before the rush of people got their. Louis heart warms at the thought but he shakes it away knowing that if he didn't live and weren’t best friends with Zayn that wouldn't be the case. Without Zayn he probably wouldn't be invited to anything.

IT was nice to see the others even though Louis had a feeling they didn't think the same. They all hug him tight though despite their probable displeasure, so that's really nice.

Harry hugs him the tightest, which is the best because he loves Harry. Then Harry looks him up and down, "You've gotten skinner?"

Had he? Well that's not a bad thing really. He's been meaning to loose a few pounds. Well more than a few, he was just made all up of pudge…wasn't he?

"Don't think so," Louis smiles a little.

Harry gives him an odd look.

"And why are you wearing a sweater, it's not too cold?" he inquires.

Zayn chuckles and takes a step forward through an arm around Louis's neck and squeezing, "Lou Lou's just always cold."

Zayn likes him…maybe. Maybe he just pities Louis.

Harry just continues to stare at Louis, "You'd tell us if something was wrong right Lou?"

Louis frowns, because um-no one's ever asked him that question before, because no one has ever suspected anything was wrong.

"Of course I wouldn't," Louis says resisting the urge to tug his sleeve down even though he knows even if his sleeve rode up he has bracelets covering his wrists. Instead he goes and pats Harry's cheeks and turns to ask Niall if he can do anything to help.

Louis thinks that's the end of that. He was a good actor (he can thank six years of Drama for that) and the party goes uneventfully. He get's buzzed luckily, but never crosses the line of actually drunk which is good. And he's practically sober coming home, meaning he isn't as paranoid as he usually would be after drinking and cutting.

Him and Zayn sit on the couch the next morning, Zayn's head in his lap as Louis strokes his fingers through his dark fringe. There mostly silent watching whatever's on the TV.

"I was thinking." Zayn says.

Louis snorts, "That's never good."

Zayn elbows him in the gut, "Shut up you twat, I'm trying to be serious."

"Right," Louis rolls his eyes.

"When you were talking to Harry," Zayn says, "Before the party… you would like tell us if something's wrong right."

The second time he's asked that it's much easier to play off he rolls his eyes with a snort, "Of course I would."

"It's just," Zayn peers up at him with big eyes and Louis smiles lightly down at him, "You never complain, and your never like sad. Like, your mum and dad divorced and you hardly blinked an eye."

"It was a long time coming," I said, "Better I leave those feelings to the girls."

Zayn shakes his head and grabs Louis's hand, "You can't help your feelings babe. Like I've never seen you cry, Lou, like you know I think it'd be okay if I'd see you cry. You've seen me cry?"

"I don't cry," Louis says matter of factly (which is a lie, he cries himself to sleep most nights he's just the best at being quiet) Louis tries to make his voice a macho deep but it's still creaky and high and he hates it, "I'm a man."

Zayn laughs anyways but then he's frowning and giving him an odd uncalculated look, "Just please, come to me next time your going to cry, just so I know your human at least."

"Fine whatever," Louis shakes his head.

Zayn will forget that he wants to comfort Louis. He'll forget he's worried. Everyone does, his mum did it, his sister did it.

People say their there for him and then they get lives and it really kind of sucks.

Louis has had a panic attack a total of twenty nine times in his life. The first time he does he's eleven years old and it's at his church youth club. 

"Homosexual marriage is a sin, an abomination," it's the first words Louis pays attention to in the whole hour he's forced to be here, his sister is asleep next to him leaning her head on his shoulder and snoring softly, "Anyone who even has this feeling should be cleansed, everyone who acts on these feeling should be burned at the stake."

Louis likes boys. He's not stupid. Nor is he in denial of his sexuality at all. 

Does he disserve to burn for this?

What if the pastor finds out?

Will he burn him?

Thoughts and thoughts run through his head until he's shaking an hyperventilating to the point his sister wakes up and the last thing he hears before everything get's foggy and he can't hear anything at all is his sisters young voice whine out, "There's something wrong with Louis!"

His mum doesn't care for an explanation she just tells him that he doesn't have to go anymore if he doesn't have to (Lottie still has to go and she rips up one of his comic books because of it).

He vows never to have a panic attack in front of anyone ever again and he's smart about it. He knows the signs and the feeling and he's been good at leaving classrooms weather the teacher gives him permission or not (which his teachers usually did let him because by the time he realized he was having a panic attack he's as white as a ghost).

The thirtieth time he has a panic attack is in a public library in front of Harry Styles. He was studying there between two of his classes because he was too lazy to take the bus already home and decides he'd rather just stay on campus. He was tired, because he was loosing sleep because the best time to cut and cry and let all his emotions out is at night when Zayn is dead asleep. He's the heaviest sleeper too so it makes everything so much easier. The chair he finds in the corner of the library, and he's just so comfortable and he closes his eyes just for a moment.

The next thing he knows he's being shaking awake, "Lou? Hey…Lou?"

He opens his eyes to see a concerned Harry looking down at him.

"Oh hi," Louis coughs, "I didn't mean to do that, how embarrassing."

Fuck, he's such an embarrassment. Harry must think he's so weird now, not that he probably didn't think that before. He's sure Liam's like the rest he sure Harry doesn't actually like him.

Harry chuckles, "It's alright babe, you not getting enough sleep?"

Louis shrugs, "Thought I was, must be because it's the first week of school."

"Yeah…" Harry agrees.

"What time is it?" Louis looks for a clock he can't find one. 

Harry looks down at his wrist-watch, "2:34."

Louis sits straight up now, "Fuck fuck fuck…"

"What?"

"I missed my class," Louis says, "My whole class…on the first day."

"Shit," Harry says sympathetically, "Do you know anyone else who's taking that course maybe they can catch you up?"

"I don't know…I don't know…" Louis's heart beat races. He's sweating and he feels like he's suffocated. The once large library feels so fucking small and his eyes are burning with unshed tears, "I'm never going to catch up, I'm going to fail!"

"No you aren't," Harry says sounding shocked, "Your smart."

Fuck Harry was still here and he's about to have a panic attack, he can feel it the signs are there.

"I need to go!" Louis says standing up and trying to gather his things all scattered.

"Uh…no!" Harry pushes his shoulder down, "Louis your so pale right now, you need to sit down and calm down."

Calm down? The action seems so impossible.

"Louis everything's fine, we can figure out how to catch you up?" Harry babbles he seems close to having a panic attack himself. His hands grip Louis's shoulder tight, "Louis are you listening?"

Harry's voice sounds so far away now, it's overpowered by Louis's irregular breathing and harsh thumbing heartbeat. He feels someone try to touch his face, and he thinks he makes a whimpering noise and the hand is gone. 

Breathe Louis.

Yeah okay…okay.

Breathe Louis.

Deep breaths, breathe Louis.

"Deep breathes babe c'mon you can do it," he realizes it's not his internal voice calming him down. It's Harry. His tear clouded vision clears a little and he see's Harry crouched in front of him. Not quite touching him. His fingers hovering over Louis's knee's unsurely, "Hey…hey you back?"

Louis nods. Fuck…fuck…fuck, Liam just saw how fucked up he can get. Why isn't he running, why doesn’t he hate him. Harry can see how fucked up he is.

"Can I touch you?"

Touch him? But Liam's seeing just how disgusting he is right now, why the fuck would he touch him.

Louis nods anyways and Harry is leaning forward and hugging Louis rocking the both of them back and forth meanwhile while Louis cries silently, "Your alright," he murmurs, "I got you."

Louis believes him.

Awhile later, or maybe not so long probably only a few minutes Louis remembers again that he's being weak. He slowly pulls himself out of Harry's embrace.

"I'm fine," Louis states making sure his face remains impassive, "I'm sorry you had to see that."

Harry from deepens and he puts his hands up to cup Louis's face, "Don't be sorry."

"I-"

"And your not fine," Harry says, "Don't bullshit me Lou, we're friends, it's okay."

"I need to go," Louis shrugs Harry's hand's off and picks up his stuff, before he leaves he turns back towards Harry, "Please, just don't tell anyone about this, yeah?"

Harry frowns, "Alright."

And that's all Louis needed. Luckily he didn't have any classes today, he takes the bus home tired and worn out. He remembers reading online once that panic attacks can take as much energy as a marathon, he can defidantly agree. Zayn's already home when he walks in sitting at the TV with Liam curled up awful close, both were laughing and giggling. They don't notice Louis come in. Liam leans down and kisses Zayn.

That's new.

Why did Zayn tell him he liked Liam? They both knew each others sexualities? That wasn't new? Zayn always told him when he had crushes? Why didn't he tell him he was with Liam? 

Zayn didn't care anymore. The one person he thought possibly could give a shit doesn’t actually care. Louis was wrong. He feels like shit. This achy feeling in his mind that makes him want to cry and scream at the same time. He never leaving his room he decides. He doesn’t have classes tomorrow it being a Saturday. He was invited to go mini golfing with the rest but he doesn't think he wants to go. They don't want him there. He'd have to face Harry after what happened. He'd have to deal with Zayn and Liam.

Louis shrugs to his room, and he closes his eyes and sleeps.

He wakes up to the sound of a banging headboard and moaning.

Louis's eyes burn and his arms itch. He stands up an goes to the bathroom getting out his razor. He finds a good place on his harm and he slices.

Nothing happens.

He was always worried about this day coming. The day when hurting himself wasn't enough. The day when it didn't muffle anything anymore. How long could good things last anyways. This day was far overdue. It was his breaking point.

He cuts anyways three more times to make sure.

He sighs then.

He couldn't do it tonight, there's a chance of Zayn and Liam finding him to early and it not working. He'd have to be smart about it, he'd plan tomorrow and do it Sunday. It was set. He creeps out of the bathroom out of bandaging his arm and putting his sweater back on. He creeps to the kitchen because he realizes he's hungry.

Liam's in the kitchen (thankfully in his underwear) munching on crisps loudly. 

Louis chuckles , "Do you always eat after sex Payno?"

Liam practically jumps out of his skin, "Damn it Lou! Scared the shit out of me…" then he suddenly goes beat read, "Um…you heard that?"

Louis rolls his eyes and grabs the chips out of Liam's hands and goes into the fridge to grab some pop before going upstairs and crawling back under covers.

He's only going to go to sleep two times after this. The thought makes his eyes burn and he's not sure why.

The next morning he wakes up when Zayn crawls into his bed and cuddles up next to him, "Oi! You have a boyfriend now, go to him for that!"

Louis doesn't actually want him to go because even though he knows Zayn only is here out of pity it's still nice that he's here.

"Oh I know," Zayn says, "But he went to the GYM and I want to cuddle."

"And I want to sleep," Louis replies moodily.

He almost can hear Zayn's roll of his eyes, "We're going mini golfing soon, you should get up and get ready?"

"I'm not going," Louis rolls over, "I feel ill."

Zayn goes to put his hand on Louis's forehead but Louis swats him away. Zayn huffs and cuddles up to him closer, "I'm sorry Lou? How about after we all come back here and watch the game later? If your up to it?"

He has to say yes. He can't be suspicious. They can't think something is wrong now, not when he's so close to being free. "Alight yeah, but let me sleep."

Louis allows himself one last night of pretending. He lets them joke with him even though he knows the truth. He lets them because he loves them even though they can't possibly love him back. He lets them because this is his last day. Tomorrow morning Zayn was leaving for his art class in the morning and he said he was going to lunch with Liam right after. He wouldn't be home till far after noon. He'd wake up at 9:00 and that gives him plenty of time to just die.

When they leave that night he hugs them tight. Tighter than he normally was. Harry who was thankfully acting normal after yesterday's incident hugs him the tightest. Harry always hugs him the tightest.

When he goes to bed at 1:00 in the morning he sends at text to Lottie telling her how much he loves him and the rest of the girls.

He sends a text to Stan too, calls him and asshole.

He then goes to sleep for the second to last time.

He was so ready.

The next morning he hears the door slam meaning Zayn has left. He has to start now, otherwise he won't be done in time. He writes a note with a simple sorry and sticks it to the door of the bathroom feeling bad for whoever has to find him. He takes the sleeping pills first. 25 of them. He then chugs down some vodka. The last step was to slit his wrists in the bathtub.

He blindly thinks through his drunken stupor that he's breaking the second rule he made when he was fourteen, don't cut too deep, he can't seem to find it in himself to mind anymore.

It hurts, but Louis doesn't mind.

Blood swirls around him.

His mind goes foggy.

He was ready.

He closes his eyes and just before he goes to sleep for the last time the bathroom door slams open and someone sounding familiarly like Zayn screams his name.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn finds Louis.

Seven minutes after Zayn leaves his art class at 10:07 he get's the phone call from Lottie.

"Something's wrong," Lottie says immediately.

"Why hello to you too," Zayn chuckles amused. He loved Lottie like his own sister. He's known her since she's been a little girl.

"Zayn, something's wrong with Lou…" Lottie says sounding out of breath and panicked, "He texted something this mornign that was really weird and it's giving me a bad feeling. You have to check on him, please."

He's never heard Lottie in such a weird tone before, she sounded totally and utterly freaked out. He almost wanted to ask what Louis texted her, but really that was Louis and her business.

"Okay," Zayn says much more serious, "I will, I'm sure he's fine. But I'll check on him and call you when I see him safe, okay?"

"Alright," Lottie says on a long exhale, "Please hurry."

"I will," Zayn says hanging up the phone turning the opposite direction and striding towards his Flat, which is only about three minutes away from where he is now.

Louis was probably fine, and Lottie was probably overreacting. Louis was always fine. Louis was strong.

But why did he have an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

He get's to the flat at 10:11 and the moment he walks inside and uneasy feeling is set upon him. Lottie was right something this wrong.

"Louis?" he calls out nervously his hand started to shake.

Nothing.

He goes upstairs and none of the lights are on except the bathroom light and on the door of the bathroom is a sticky note, "Sorry".

Something was wrong.

Zayn yanks open the door and screams Louis's name.

His wrists were open and bleeding blood swirling in the water. He looked groggy and totally out of it. His eyes slip closed as Zayn strides forward picking him up out of the warm water and pulling him into his lap sitting him up.

"Louis…no…no no," he's panicking now. He's crying, fighting wracking sobs. His heart is racing because what the fuck, Louis was fine just the day before. He was just not feeling good. Louis wasn't even suicidal…no…no, "Louis wake up."

He doesn't.

Zayn realizes he needs to do something. He has to act fast otherwise Louis will get what he want. So he carefully places him so he's laying down with his head in Zayn's lap than picks up a towel and grabs both his wrists putting pressure on them to try to stop the bleeding. He grabs his phones out and dials 999.

Blood smears on the screen of his phone.

There was so much fucking blood.

He wanted to throw up.

"Hello, this is 999 what is your emergency?" an operator rambles.

"My friend he tried to kill himself," he rattles their address and his injury's trying to speak clearly through his sobs. 

"Do you think he took anything?" the operator asks.

Zayn looks around desperately , "I don't know maybe, we don't carry much medicane in the house just like Advil and…fuck he probably took the sleeping pills."

"Alright," says the operator, "Help is on the way, would you like me to stay on the phone with you?"

"No…um that's alright," Zayn hangs up. He doesn't need a stranger to calm him down and he's dialing Liam's numbers squeezing tighter to Louis's wrists. The blood doesn't seem to be stopping.

He notices the scars suddenly. The ones that littered his thighs and wrists. Some seemed really recent, some seemed years old. How long has Louis been struggling? How long has Zayn been failing as a friend.

"C'mon, Louis a few more minutes…" he murmurs lightly.

Liam picks up cheery as ever and Zayn want's to throw up, "Hey baby! You running late?"

Zayn dry gags a bit before composing himself.

"Louis tried to kill himself," Zayn blurts he chokes back another heavy body wracking sob.

"What?" Liam says his cheery voice changing to such a dark one, "No that’s…Have you called an ambulance."

"Y..yeah," Zayn says letting out another sob, "I'm so scared, what if they don't get here in time."

"They'll get there in time…shh," Liam tries to console.

But it wasn't working. Zayn has never been this scared in his entire life. He has never felt fear gripping through his veins so heavily. He could loose his best friend, his brother. He could loose him… It was just so scary.

"Can you meet me at the Hospital?" Zayn croaks, "Please."

"Alright," he says, "Is there anything I can do babe?"

"No just be there," Zayn says.

The ambulance men rush into the house and into the bathroom a moment later rushing to work and getting him on a gurney. Zayn steps back and helplessly lets them do their work and prays it's working.

"You did good taking him out of the bathtub," says one of them as the other is strapping him in, "He wouldn't have lasted long if you didn't."

Zayn feels like throwing up again, thank fuck for Lottie.

He rides in the back of the ambulance with them just watching. His hand on Louis's shoulder instead of one of his limp hands because they were still working on his wrists. Zayn was so scared.

HE might loose his best friend.

He get's to the hospital and they don't let him past a certain point. He stands there aimlessly for awhile shaking. Still damp with bathwater. Tears running down his face. He's trembling to the tips of his fingers and toes. Covered in blood. People were giving him odd looks. He probably looked like he belonged in some sort of horror film.

"Zayn!" a voice says. He turns around to see Liam running down the hall towards him. When the too meet, Liam immediately pulls him into an embrace and Zayn falls into him with a loud sob.

"Your covered in blood baby," Liam pulls him back from the hug to look him up a down, "Fuck is he-"

"He's alive," Zayn chokes out between gut wrenching sobs, "But he tried to kill himself Liam."

"I know…I know," Liam tries to hush him. People were staring again He pulls them both to a plastic chair where Liam sits, and Zayn crawls into his lap.

"Your shaking," Liam murmurs before he says "Have you called anyone else yet?"

Zayn shakes his head.

"Alright," Liam says as if that was actually good news, "I can do that."

"You don't…I can-"

"No shh baby let me do this."

Zayn lets him do it because he probably couldn't even form a proper sentence right now, more or less tell the whole story on what just happened.

Louis just tried to kill himself. Louis tried to kill himself out of the blue. He seemed fine yesterday, a little ill maybe but fine. He's always seemed fine. Louis has always seemed strong and happy. Louis was the strong one. He was the rock. He was the person people always liked. He was so good at just living why the hell did he just decide to end it.

"Hey, Niall?" Liam says bringing Louis out of his thoughts, "I have bad news…um Louis tried to kill himself."

A pause before a soft, "I know."

Another pause, "None of his saw it Ni…"

Another pause, "St. Linchon, is Harry with you by chance?"

A longer pause.

"Okay yeah good, um can you drop by their place and grab some new clothes for Zayn…"

"Alright, yeah I love you too Niall…bye."

Liam sighs heavily, he's being so strong and Zayn doesn't know how. Liam looks down at Zayn, he softly kisses his forehead.

"It'll be alright baby," Liam assures.

Nothing feels like it's going to be alright ever again.

"I can't believe this is happening," Zayn murmurs.

"Yeah," Liam agrees me either.

Niall and Harry rush in a few moments later, Niall with his arm firmly around Harry's shoulder as if he was afraid the younger boy might wander into a wall without his guidance. Well, Harry did sort of look like that. He looked absolutely wrecked. He wasn't crying but his face was twisted in the most painful looking grimace, and his fists were clenched and knuckle white.

"Here," Niall says looking surprisingly well put together as he digs out clothing from the bag, "I also got some soap. Like nice soap to get the erm…yeah I didn't think the hospital bathroom would have good soap and um…"

"Thank you," Zayn cuts off Niall's babble and takes the clothes.

Niall looks at him for a few moments with a bitten lip, "How bad was he when he came in?"

"Unconscious," Zayn says softly, "I don't know really. He looked…"

Horrible dead almost. Zayn would have nightmares of how it was for years to come, he was sure of that.

"Are you alright," Niall says bringing his hand up to squeeze Zayn's shoulder.

"I'm fine," Zayn says briskly.

"It's okay if you aren't Zayn," Niall says speaking fast, "You just saw your best friend with his-"

"Please don't," Zayn squeaks out before shuffling across the hall to the bathroom.

He wants to throw up again but when he gets to the toilet nothing comes out but another few sobs.

He's fast getting changed and then getting back in the hall, afraid he would miss news. When he get's back out, Liam's on the phone again and he looks like he's almost screaming, "He could die, Jay, and your calling him an attention whore!"

Zayn flinches at almost every word as if he was getting shot. Niall is sitting next to Liam looking antsy chewing his fingernails like he always does when he nervous. Harry is standing next to Liam his fists clenched still his gaze downwards.

"You know what," Liam says, "Fuck you, you don't disserve to have a child as wonderful as Louis."

Liam throws his phone to the ground and slams his foot on it effectively breaking the screen. Than he's crying big fat tears.

For a moment Zayn freezes, he just doesn't even know what to do. Liam was always good in emergency's. Liam was always calm collected. He never got angry. He never not knew what to say or do. He was fast on his feet. And now seeing him broken like this it was scary.

"How didn't I know!" Liam sobs out, "How didn't I know…"

Zayn is fast to react then and he climbs onto Liam's straddling him and cupping his cheeks, it may have been sexual in another moment. But both Zayn and Liam knew it wasn't like that right now, "None of us saw it, I've known him forever Liam…and Liam this has been going on for years. His arms and thighs-fuck their scared and shit and…"

"He hid it," Harry says speaking for the first time since he got to the hospital, "And he hid it well." They all look at the curly headed boy who frowns and looks back down with a heavy sigh before saying, "He had a panic attack in the library on Friday. I knew something was wrong. He was acting funny. I knew something was wrong. I should have-"

"No," Niall says fiercely, "We can't play the blame game. Even if you knew something was wrong, Harry, you couldn't have known Lou would do something like this-so extreme. No more blaming, that goes for all of us."

They all nod even though Zayn was sure none of them were going to follow that.

"What exactly did his mum say on the phone Li?" Zayn asks softly.

"I told her what had happened and asked her to come to the hospital and she got angry. She called him all these awful names. She was screaming that she wasn't ever going to see or talk to him again. That he wasn't welcome in her house. That'd it was bad enough he was already a faggot, but an attention whore on top…"

Louis's mum has never been the best. He supposes she's been fine until Louis came out and his dad left for sure. She never actually comforted Louis about the gay thing, nor talked about kicking him out, but ever since he came out she's been extremely cold. Rude almost. She wasn't motherly at all. Louis never seemed to care, and that was enough for Zayn to never ask him about it. But now Zayn feels like shit for never asking him.

Liam sounds close to hyperventilating so Zayn cups his cheeks and gives him a soft kiss on the lips, "It's fine, he doesn't need her. She's always been a shit mother. He needs us, we can help him. Like we'll put him in therapy and stuff and we'll find wherever he's been keeping the razors and throw them away and we'll show him we love him… yeah."

Nods of agreement.

"Alright," Zayn says wiping some lone tears that seem to have fallen again, "I'm going to call Lottie…and tell her myself before she hears it from her mother."

Zayn climbs of Liam's lap and instead sits into the chair next to him grabbing out his phone. He already has tons of missed calls from her and he feels so bad because he promised to call her the moment he saw Louis was okay. But then eh wasn't and things just got shitty.

"Zayn, thank god," Lottie says sounding relieved and Zayn's stomach churns uncomfortably as he get's another sight of all the blood, "Is he alright."

Zayn's silent because what the fuck was he suppose to say.

"Zayn?"

"I'm so sorry Lottie, I failed…he…he tried to kill himself."

"Tried," Lottie says slowly, "He tried-that means he's still alive."

"Yeah," Zayn says, "But I failed Lottie I'm so sorry."

Niall pokes him in the shoulder and mouths something, for a few moments Niall just stares blankly before he realizes what Niall was trying to say. No Blame.

Okay fine.

"It wasn't your fault…um I'm going to hang up Zayn. Please call me if there is any news."

"Alright," Zayn says, "I'm so sorry Lottie."

"Yeah," Lottie says, "I am too."

She hands up too before Zayn can ask for what. So Zayn just drops the phone back in his lap and lets his head fall against Liam's shoulder. Harry slides down the wall with his face in his hands and starts to cry suddenly. So Zayn reaches over and starts to pet his hair. He moves closer to the touch so his face was buried in Zayn's thigh and just cries like a small child.

This was so fucking messed up.

It takes another hour until the doctor comes out, "Family of Louis Tomlinson, " all five boys all stand up the doctors face turns into a frown, "I said family not friends."

"His mum isn't coming, his dad hasn't been around for years. I'm his emergency contact, Zayn Malik…you can check. Now please just tell us how our friend is doing…."

The doctor sighs and relents easily, maybe to easy but Zayn could care less, "Alright… this isn't bad news but it's not going to be the best either. He's alive, but he's hanging on by a thread right now."

"Is he in like some sort of coma?" Niall asks slowly.

The doctor nods, "Not officially but… it's all up to him now."

No, it can't just be up to him. He wanted to die in the first place, is he even going to fight? Zayn shakes his head, because, no…he couldn’t think like that now.

"Can we see him?" Harry says his voice small.

The doctor nods and opens another door pointing to a room.

He looks small, so small and bony…and young. The blood was cleaned off luckily and all that remained were a neat row of stiches up each arm. You could see the scars better now though without the blood in the way. Zayn walks forward and runs his finger up the bumps.

"How did I not notice…he cuts himself-"

"Stop," Niall murmurs, "No blame game."

Zayn nods.

Harry breaks down again falling to his knee's and burying his face into Louis's side grabbing his hands and sobbing. Liam stands behind him and rubs his back lightly looking stony.

"He's going to be okay," Niall says, "I know he's going to be okay."

"We don't know," Harry snaps lifting a head and giving them a view of his red blotchy face, his absolutely wrecked facial expression, "The doctor said."

"I don't care about any fucking doctor," Niall says stubbornly pulling up a chair and sitting ,"Louis is going to be okay and we're going to get him help."

They sit in silence in Louis's rooms for hours until the sun sets and Louis's room is now only lit by way too light bulbs.

"I don't want to leave him alone for the night in case he wakes up," Zayn says, "But I don't think the hospital will let all four of us stay here."

"You and Haz should stay," Liam says softly

Zayn feels bad suddenly.

"No frowning," Niall says as if he read the older boys mind and Zayn does wonder sometimes if he actually can, "Me and Liam will shack up together, so we aren't alone tonight and you two can stay with Louis and make sure he stays comfy alright."

Niall and Liam leave an hour later. Harry in all the time he's been in the room hasn't moved from where he's been kneeling next to Louis's side. It was starting to become worrying. At least he wasn't crying anymore.

"Babe, you hungry," Zayn says.

Harry doesn’t even flinch.

"I'm going get us some food alright?"

Nothing.

He goes down a floor to the cafeteria and rushes back with two trays as fast as he can. Harry's still crouched at the foot of the bed but now he's talking.

"You gotta wake up," Harry says, "We all love you so much. You have to fight, and you have to wake us up. WE won't be okay without you Lou…please…please we need you."

Harry seems to sense Zayn's presence because he turns his head and stares at Zayn with big questioning eyes. Eyes that were bloodshot from tears making them greener than ever.

"You think he can hear you?" Zayn asks.

"I don't know," Harry admits, "Maybe. It was worth a shot."

"I wasn't criticizing," Zayn says softly as he sets the tray down, "C'mon Harry eat."

"I'm not hungry," Harry murmurs turning his head to look back at Louis

"Yes you are," Zayn says, "You've probably only had breakfast today, you've been here since eleven. You'll do no good to Louis starved, now c'mon eat."

Harry relents standing up and sitting down beside Zayn grabbing one of the trays of food and eating, painfully slow of course, but he eats everything on the tray, so Zayn can't complain too much.

When he finishes eating he scoots closer to Zayn, "Cuddle?" he murmurs sounding tired and childish. And yes, Harry was just a child, they were all children.

"Of course babe," Zayn says opening his arms. Harry wiggles into them thankfully and buries his head into the crook of the older boys neck sniffling lightly.

"What if he dies Zayn," Harry murmurs sounding so incredibly young, and so sad.

"He wont," Zayn says, "Niall's right, he'll wakeup."

Harry's silent for a few moments before he says, "I love him so much."

"I know, love…" Zayn rubs circles into his back, "We all do."

"No Zayn," Harry says sounding a little annoyed, "I love him…like I love him."

"Oh," Zayn realizes and he almost chuckles despite the situation, "Well um…no offense but that's not surprising Harry."

"Really?" Harry asks in a small voice.

"Well, you two have always been gone from each other. Louis loves you too, he loves every bit of you."

"I do too…so how did I not…"

"Shh," Zayn says pushing a stray curl out of Harry's eyes away from his sweaty forehead, "remember what Niall said about no blame game."

"Right," Harry says.

"How about you sleep," Zayn says, "You look really tired Haz."

"I don't think I can," Harry says.

"Try," Zayn says.

Harry closes his eyes wrapping his arms tighter around Zayn, Zayn closes his eyes and drifts into sleep too.

When Zayn wakes up again Harry's still leaning against Harry's chest but his eyes are bloodshot and Zayn's not sure if he's slept at all.

"I'll sleep when he's awake," Harry murmurs sounding almost drugged and sort of half dead, "I will- I just had to make sure."

"Alright," Zayn hushes softly sitting up and bringing Harry with him, "Has the doctor been here yet?"

"Yeah left right before you woke up," Harry says, "Said he was doing good. His heart beat was more stable and… he said other stuff but I didn't understand. He said Louis was doing good."

"He's not awake though," Zayn says. 

How could anything be good if Louis wasn't awake?

"He'll wake up," Harry says, "He has too."

Because if he doesn't Harry won't go to sleep. Zayn himself is never going to stop feeling the guilt that pools in his stomach. He's lived with Louis for years now, he's been his best friend for longer. Some of the scars on his wrists seem years old, how did Zayn not notice he wasn't alright.

Just then the door opens, Zayn expects Liam and Niall. Instead of course it's two girls, Lottie and Gemma Styles.

Harry stands up instantly running to his sister and hugging her with a loud booming sob. Lottie stands stricken at the foot of the bed, paper white pale. Zayn creeps towards her and puts an arm around her small shaking shoulders, hoping it could comfort her.

"He looks dead," Lottie blurts, "He looks dead."

Zayn flinches and lets out a strangled breath because no, he looked a lot better than when Zayn found him the first time.

"He'll be alright," Zayn says repeating the assurance for what feels like the millionth time. Every time he says it he feels it get's less and less convincing and it's scaring the shit out of him, "How'd you get here, Liam spoke to your mum-"

"I said I was staying at a friends house for the weekend and called up Gemma-"

"And I got her of course," Gemma says still holding a heavily crying Harry close.

Zayn didn't even know Gemma and Lottie knew each other. But he's glad they did.

Lottie walks to the side of the bed studying him close. She grabs his hand and inspects the wrists. The sewn up slice. The scars that run almost to his shoulder.

"Did you know?" Lottie asks suddenly, "About these?"

"No-I don't know how I missed it-"

"When he was fourteen and I was ten I walked in on him trying to break a razor, presumably to get his blade, our parents were fighting downstairs and I asked him what he was doing… I-I didn't I was so young I didn't-"

Lottie looks close to hyperventilating so Zayn takes another step forward and embraces her in a hug that she desperately returns.

"That's not your fault," Harry insists (Zayn didn't even know he was listening), "I saw signs too, I just didn't."

"No Harry," Zayn says harsh enough for him to flinch, "Remember what we said earlier."

"Right," Harry takes a deep breath and it seems to take every ounce in his body to stop himself but he doesn't continue what he's about to say instead he goes stiff before murmuring a, "Yeah of course."

"I'm going to call Liam and Niall, see when their coming back…"

Zayn doesn't need to because the moment he slips down into the hallways Liam and Niall are rushing down the hall food in their hands.

"Hi," Zayn says leaning to kiss Liam's cheek.

"Any change?" Liam asks.

"Doctors said he's stabilizing according to Harry…" Zayn sighs, "Harry's a mess, he loves him…yeah?"

"Well that's obvious," Niall snaps. 

He's scowling and Zayn gives him a careful look. Niall seemed almost agitated, which wasn't a common emotion when it came to him. Niall was almost always happy, almost always positive. He didn't get upset easily. He brushed off stuff way to much. He was the peacemaker. The sunshine in the dark. Zayn had always wondered if Niall even had a breaking point. 

"Are you okay, Ni?" Zayn says carefully reaching over to squeeze Niall's shoulder. The blond boy shrugs his hand off.

"I'm not the one in the fucking coma Zayn," Niall snaps.

"IT's not a coma," Zayn murmurs. But Niall doesn't seem to hear or care because he's storming in the door.

"Been weird since we woke up," Liam says, "He was so positive last night too, blabbering about him waking up and stuff. Then when he woke up it was like some sort of sick twitch. Bit scary."

"Innit," Zayn says with a sigh, "Everyone has breaking points."

Liam shakes his head sadly, still looking at the door miserably. 

"Are you alright babe?" Zayn asks.

"Of course," Liam gives him a wry smile, "Just still can't believe this happened…"

Zayn can't agree more. The two of them slip back into the room. Niall was standing sulking in the corner his arms crossed and his lips pulled into a firm scowl. He's staring at Louis intently, like maybe if he just stared long enough Louis would just wake up.

It didn't work.

Zayn sighs because if Niall had a breaking point, and Liam had a breaking point, and Harry had a breaking point when the hell was he going to go into emotional turmoil.

He'd hope it'd be later-or not at all. The other's need him right now. Especially Louis.

They sit in silence for hours, not really talking. Not really doing anything but staring, shuffling around and avoiding each others eye contact. Pretending to look at phones, but not really reading on the screen. Really pretending to read what's on the screen but instead just listening to the heart machine afraid that any moment Louis's heart would just stop.

They take turns holding his hand. Each taking a half an hour or so before letting go and letting someone else have the chance. The only one who doesn't is Niall. He glares and glares and glares. And Zayn has never seen the fake blond so angry in his entire life.

When Zayn's turn holding his hand ends he turns towards him and in barely a murmur of a voice, "You want to-"

"No," snaps Niall.

"Niall-"

"No," Niall says, "He's a fucking god damn idiot! A fucking idiot-why the hell…"

Niall bursts into tears and Gemma who's closest pulls him into a hug and shushes him. Lottie shyly walks over and grabs Louis's empty hand, looking close to tears again himself.

This is all so fucked up.

Zayn goes out for the fourth time that day and finishes the package of cigarettes, buys a new one, and get's a fourth of a way done with that one before returning.

That night, Zayn suggests Lottie and Niall should stay this time. Because Niall's a lot less harsh, but a lot more fragile.

Gemma, Harry, Liam, and himself go back to Liam's flat because none of them want to be alone that night. Liam and Zayn taking one room and Gemma and Harry taking Niall's room. The next morning they all shower get dressed and bring food to the hospital where Lottie and Niall are waiting.

"He squeezed Niall's hand last night," Lottie says right as they come in, "The doctor says could be a good sign."

They all smile for the first time in the past two days.

Lottie and Gemma leave that morning because Lottie has school. She cries the whole time. 

Louis wakes up and seven fifty-three p.m., just after the doctor comes in and announces that theirs a possibility that if he doesn't wake up soon, he'll never wake up again. The hope hey briefly had in the morning deflates and their left with an empty feeling.

Their all exhausted by that time, and sad by the recent news of the doctor when suddenly there's a cough they all look up. Then there's another cough and a gurgling noise.

The hand Zayn was holding slips out of his own and Louis has his eyes open and he's grabbing at the tube down his throat.

"Hey…hey stop!" Zayn says grabbing his hand and pinning it down. Harry does the same to the other.

"Niall get the nurse!"

Niall bolts out the door.

"Lou, stop struggling!" Harry orders, "They'll take it out in a mo' just calm down, love? "

Louis's eyes zone in on Harry and he goes limp, frowning.

The nurse comes in with a smile, "Fantastic," she says, "Myself and your friends were getting worried Louis, now I'm going to take the tube out, it'll be uncomfortable but it'll feel better once over."

Louis nods slowly. The doctor grabs the tube, feeding it out piece by piece before it's totally gone. Louis coughs a few times and Liam grabs the water at the bedside handing it to him with shaking unsure fingers.

"Alright, love…" the nurse says, "I'm going to get Doctor Lampson just wait here?"

"Louis," sobs out Harry loosing the composure he had only a few moments ago. He leans forward with a sob. Crying into Louis's chest like he did the first time he saw Louis in the hospital. Louis weakly brings his hand up and pet's Harry's wild unkept curls, "I'm so glad your okay."

Louis frowns and then he looks up at Zayn, "You saved me."

"Y…yeah," Zayn stutters.

Louis frowns deeper and he shakes his head and says the most horrifying and heartbreaking words Zayn has ever heard in his life, "But…why?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you hate me for this ending who can blame you. comment please. i'll try to post the next chapter asap. follow me on tumblr @larry-is-killing-me, and ask all the questions you want about the fic.


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